Didn't you see

Didn't see the clutter around
didnt you see the dirt everywhere
didnt you catch the vodka
stashed in the water bottles
didnt you see the all the intoxication
didnt you see the depression in there
didnt you feel the worldly hooks
not letting go of him
didnt you see the shot gun
didnt you see the shot gun shells everywhere
didnt you see them by the bed
didnt you see them by the tv
didnt you see them by the night stand
didnt you see them in the bathroom
didnt you see how lost he was
didnt you see how to help him
didnt he see who loved him
didnt he want to feel anything
other than the intoxication
didnt they see what was wrong
why were they so blind
they were told all the time
of the problems and the sadness
why didnt they love unconditionally
why did they alienate
why couldnt he see he needed help
why didnt he listen
he was seduced so young
he needed help
he needed medication
he needed understanding
he needed guidance
he needed a diagnoses that wasn't around during his younger time
diagnoses would have help
it would have aleviated his feelings
we all need help all some point

omg

ok, I'm sitting here at my desk and I can hear everything going on in the office in front of me. There is a mom who has in the past cause a lot of problems with her daughters teacher via cursing her out and being rude. Well she is here this morning and its 9:35. School started at 8:55 and breakfast here at school was at 8:25. She wants to give her daughter breakfast and wants to take it to her classroom. Our Principal says that it would disrupt the class and more than likely she is working right now on classwork; she can leave it with the front office and we'll drop it off. Normally this is what we do when parents drop off lunch for their children. She then says I'll be real quick, then as she laughs trying to make light of the situation, she says 'What you dont trust me?' UM that would be a big fat NO Ma'am! LOL No when you have time after time again have curse out the teacher! Whom by the way is a very quiet mannered teacher. And why is she dropping off breakfast for her child now. Why didn't she have breakfast this morning with the rest of the children or at home? LOL These parent sometimes are just plan silly..

Falling short

Dear Lord,
Can you hear me? I hope you can. I'm sorry, please forgive for what I have done and for giving into my flesh. I AM A SINNER DAMNIT. I fall so short of your glory and time after time again I sin. Can you hear me? Please give me a sign that you can hear my cries, I'm begging for mercy, for forgiveness? I mess up all the time, I'm so dumb and fall into traps, some I get through, and some I don't. I'm such a retard. I want to please you I DO! Please forgive, I love you God. You and only you. Please have mercy on me, please wash me. I fall so short, so short, I'm so small in the scheme of life yet I fell like my sins are so huge that they are unforgivable. I hope you can hear me, are you there, are you watching me? Can you forgive me? Please forgive me? I know you love us, I know you had your ONLY child brutally killed for my sins, MY SINS. But yet I still can't fathom how you can hear me and forgive me and love ME? I'm so dirty with sin and so worthless compared to some. Do you see me, do you hear me, can you forgive? I'm so mad at myself for the STUPID things that I have done, and the ripples in the water are still affecting me today and I can't stand it. Hear my cries...
Are you there, are you watching me? Please forgive me I fall so short...

thoughts on Rudy

Rudy is a family friend who is dying of Prostate cancer. He doesn't have too much longer to live and I have been struggling with it. I was 13 when Rudy and his family came into the picture. I'm now 28. We have all hung out together, I became friends with his oldet daughter Rosalinda, and my sisters with his youngest Melinda. We have gone on camping trips, snow trips and have been to eachothers house numerous times for varies occasions. Now this. I was talking to my mom about him and asking how he is doing and apparently its any day now. It has seemed to have mestisied to his brain. He heavily drugged up for the pain because it is also in his bone. In the conversation with my mom I wrote this....

"Yea. This is hard because he is family. I know I haven’t been around much with them and such but still they are an extended family. It’s hard to think about Rudy like this because I hurt for Sally and the girls. I’m so sad with everything they are going to be missing with him gone. I’m sad because the girls are not married yet and have not had any children of there own. I’m extremely upset that Sally is loosing her partner that God gave to her. She is loosing her husband, her best friend, her leader, her lover, her Rudy and it kills me. I hate to feel like this because its soo overwhelming with what I feel for them. I’ve been told from church that one of my spiritual gifts is the gift of compassion and gift of sympathy. I know it’s horrible to say but sometimes I wish I didn’t have it. I know where Rudy is going and how much better he is going to feel when he gets rid of his earthly body, but nevertheless, he is leaving and it’s upsetting. No matter what people say about he is in a better place, it still is sad that we are loosing him. God is taking his child back because his time here is apparently done, but hearts will still be broken and still needing to be healed. I get so sad that I get to the point that my chest hurts, I think maybe that’s where they get the terminology “heart broken” because that’s what it feels like. I perhaps am being self fish with wanting him here because I want him to give Rosie away at her wedding when the day comes and have the joys of a Grandpa to hold his Grandson for the first time. I want him to grow old with Sally and sit on the front porch with her on their rockers thinking about their long lives and everything they have accomplished and endured together. But this isn’t the case and it is what it is. God’s plan. I don’t know why and of course will never know why, I don’t understand and a part of me doesn’t agree and it feels its not fair. These things get a bit overwhelming sometimes and a little hard to handle. Let’s just say that I have learned to journal and have A LOT of quiet time in my thoughts with God"

I guess I am self-fish for not wanting to give him back to God but man, this is soo upsetting. I dont want the girls to loose their Dad. I dont' want Sally to loose her husband; its not fair. C'mon!!!! What kind of christmas is this going to be if Rudy dies days before. Hell not even that, even if he dies now. What kind of Christmas will this be. It's hard for me now because my Grandma died Dec 28th, 3 days AFTER christmas and December still can be hard for us.

It just upsets me because I dont want them to hurt. I dont want them to feel the pain that they are going to feel afterwards, eventhough they feel a tremendous amount of pain now with him here. It's hurts them to know that he is in pain. Lord please take him and end this misery. Lord make this transition painless....

SOB!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN MEN

ok here is another rant. DAMINT!
This week David has been out of town working. I have been missing him like crazy! This weekend is our friends birthday and they have planned to out to Outback Steak house to celebrate with all of us friends. Hey that's like totally awesome to have an adult freaking night out , wahoo!!! So I get a babysitter planned, a little stressed out about how in the world I'm gonna pay for this, but ya know, we can get away with just ordering appetizers. Anywho, David calls me up Wednesday night and tells me that he still has like 60 bucks from his per diem money for work. He told me he was going to save it for Saturday night cuz he knew we were short on cash. GREAT! Sounds like a damnit good plan to me. Last night David calls me up, in the middle of me dying my hair to make it pretty for our adult night out, and tells me he is going out with the guys. I said "um please dont spend that money" He told me he would have like a beer or 2, but before he went out he was going to eat at the hotel and drink Beer there so he can already be buzzed and not spend a lot of money on booze. Alright fine

UM NO NOT FINE



NOT IN THE LEAST EFFEN BIT AT ALL WHATSOEVER!

Well guess what...This morning he calls me up saying "I dont know how but all that money that I had is gone" WTF do you mean the 60 bucks is gone. R u effen serious, muther jefer. (the only reason I'm not cursing right now is because I'm at work and I don't want little kids reading the F word over and over and over again......He then tells me that he started drinking at the bar then he started to effen buy shots for everyone and he got totally drunk to the point that he effen puked! So basically all that money was spent on him and his work buddies getting drunk.....so how do I feel besides obviously I-RATE, I feel that he just totally put me and our night out second. I feel that us and that night out were not that important enough for him to be responsible enough to leave that cash in his hotel room or to not get that effen drunk that he doesn't know how the F**k he spent that much money...I dont want to see him I dont want to talk to him I dont want to be around him I want him to stay up north and just stay there....I dont want him to be sleeping next to me this weekend. I dont want him to be looking my direction, I dont want him to be breathing in my direction, I dont want to hear 2 squaks come out of his mouth. He asked me, why are you trying to give me a guilt trip...UM I DUNNO BECAUSE YOU EFFEN DESERVE IT MUTHER JEFER! UM BECAUSE YOU PUT MY BUTT SECOND TO YOUR STUPID NIGHT OUT WITH THE GUYS AND GETTING SO DRUNK YOU EFFEN PUKED YOUR INNERDS UP... Guess what, I hope you are soo miserable today, I hope that your head is splitting in two and that the slightest noise and light just feels like a sharp knife piercing through your temple. I hope you stomach is so effen queasy that the thought of food makes you ralph....I JUST HOPE YOU ARE EFFEN MISERABLE ON YOUR 6 HOUR DRIVE HOME TODAY. I PRAY THAT YOU ARE MISERABLE. DAMNIT SLEEP DOWNSTAIRS YOU SHIT!

free

I wish to be free of you as you are obviously free of me.

I'm hooked on you,
I need a fix,
I can't take it,
Just one more hit,
I promise,
I can deal with it,
I'll handle it,
quit it,
Just one more time,
then that's it,
Just a little bit more to get methrough this,
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts,
in my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
-piece from Kelly Clarkson's Addicted

The Ring

Background for writing this below. A year ago when D and I got back together after being separated for 2 weeks I wrote this. I was inspired not by our relationship and what we had gone through, but was inspired by sisters situation. She had some things going on with her boyfriend,(and quiet possibly her future husband the way things are going now). She was going through a confusing time and had expressed some things to mom and I so I ended up writing this. I ended up however, incorporating it to my life with my husband. Enjoy!

"Something I wrote today and wanted to share it with you...

Growing up in life you get many many gifts. Gifts from everyone: parents, sisters, brothers, friends, boyfriends and husbands. In today's society we get wrapped up in gifts, stuff, toys yadda yadda yadda. We want what we can't have, or can't get yet; we want the biggest fastest things-ma-bob out there, or the biggest shiniest piece of jewelry. I wanted a bigger ring. Something really purdy and sparkly that I can show off to everyone. Everyone can notice MY ring if I get maybe a 1/2 karat or 3/4 karat. Yea that's it, I want a bigger one. I want it! I can show it off to everyone. Yea, that'll show everyone how much my baby loves me. Yea that'll show me how much he loves me. I can stare at it all day and admire how shiny it is. Now that I'm old and gray on my last breath. My husband sits besides me, holding my hand, admiring me as though I'm still something shiny. Telling me how much he loves me, lightly touches my face telling me its Ok to go, that he'll be not too far behind. On that last breath thinking about my husband and our life together. Knowing that he farts and talks in his sleep, sometimes a little too loud for my liking, but never the less he was still laying next to me. Thinking about our outrageous fights, our most intimate moments, our goofiest times, our birth of our children, our brinks of divorce, our despair, our happiness, our pain, our belief, our confusions, and our ever growing love that matured everyday we were together. As god took me above and sat me is his throne, I took a look around in peace and realized how short my life really was. While sitting I began to figit with my ring which I always do while I wait or do in deep thought and found it wasn't there. I had no ring, I had no gold watch, I had no pearl necklace and no diamond bracelet. At that point I looked up and saw my husband standing there. Shining and glimmering like my bracelet, like my necklace, like my watch, and even brighter than my ring. Every gift that I was given on earth was no longer there. I wasn't able to take with me. Instead I had one gift that was more valuable and more shiny than any gift out there.
My husband.
The gift from god that was chosen for me. I was picked to be the one to get to know this man the best. The good and the bad and all the quirks in between. We leave everything behind when we come to join god, but can only have with us the one gift. My best friend, my lover, my love, My husband. "