thoughts on Rudy

Rudy is a family friend who is dying of Prostate cancer. He doesn't have too much longer to live and I have been struggling with it. I was 13 when Rudy and his family came into the picture. I'm now 28. We have all hung out together, I became friends with his oldet daughter Rosalinda, and my sisters with his youngest Melinda. We have gone on camping trips, snow trips and have been to eachothers house numerous times for varies occasions. Now this. I was talking to my mom about him and asking how he is doing and apparently its any day now. It has seemed to have mestisied to his brain. He heavily drugged up for the pain because it is also in his bone. In the conversation with my mom I wrote this....

"Yea. This is hard because he is family. I know I haven’t been around much with them and such but still they are an extended family. It’s hard to think about Rudy like this because I hurt for Sally and the girls. I’m so sad with everything they are going to be missing with him gone. I’m sad because the girls are not married yet and have not had any children of there own. I’m extremely upset that Sally is loosing her partner that God gave to her. She is loosing her husband, her best friend, her leader, her lover, her Rudy and it kills me. I hate to feel like this because its soo overwhelming with what I feel for them. I’ve been told from church that one of my spiritual gifts is the gift of compassion and gift of sympathy. I know it’s horrible to say but sometimes I wish I didn’t have it. I know where Rudy is going and how much better he is going to feel when he gets rid of his earthly body, but nevertheless, he is leaving and it’s upsetting. No matter what people say about he is in a better place, it still is sad that we are loosing him. God is taking his child back because his time here is apparently done, but hearts will still be broken and still needing to be healed. I get so sad that I get to the point that my chest hurts, I think maybe that’s where they get the terminology “heart broken” because that’s what it feels like. I perhaps am being self fish with wanting him here because I want him to give Rosie away at her wedding when the day comes and have the joys of a Grandpa to hold his Grandson for the first time. I want him to grow old with Sally and sit on the front porch with her on their rockers thinking about their long lives and everything they have accomplished and endured together. But this isn’t the case and it is what it is. God’s plan. I don’t know why and of course will never know why, I don’t understand and a part of me doesn’t agree and it feels its not fair. These things get a bit overwhelming sometimes and a little hard to handle. Let’s just say that I have learned to journal and have A LOT of quiet time in my thoughts with God"

I guess I am self-fish for not wanting to give him back to God but man, this is soo upsetting. I dont want the girls to loose their Dad. I dont' want Sally to loose her husband; its not fair. C'mon!!!! What kind of christmas is this going to be if Rudy dies days before. Hell not even that, even if he dies now. What kind of Christmas will this be. It's hard for me now because my Grandma died Dec 28th, 3 days AFTER christmas and December still can be hard for us.

It just upsets me because I dont want them to hurt. I dont want them to feel the pain that they are going to feel afterwards, eventhough they feel a tremendous amount of pain now with him here. It's hurts them to know that he is in pain. Lord please take him and end this misery. Lord make this transition painless....