OMG

Ok so I'm still going out of my mind! LOL as always I suppose! It's all good though. How can I let this happen. I just dont understand it at all. why why why why why! I'm so miserable and happy at the same time. I want to stay where I'm at but break free too. I want to be able to not think and do whatever, which I know I can't I have 2 kids. Maybe I just need a vacation, a get away to be me! To let go and relax and do whatever the f*ck I want. I want to cut loose and just chill! I'm so tired. I'm tired of everything! I walk around my house endlessly, sometimes it feels like no purpose. I stop trying to hang out with D. He doesn't like the same things I do anyways, so why the hell should I try then. He likes to play video games on his computer, sit on the couch and do nothing. Likes totally different shows then I do, I do try to watch some of them but they just dont catch my interest. I like to talk (Ima woman) he doesn't. I dont think he listens to me anyways when I talk because he doesn't really look at me and seems side track with something else anyways. I wonder if maybe I ignore him, not seek him out what would happen? That's it I should do that. But do I honestly care right now? Not really. I feel so used to it and numb. I mean it's gonna be 10 years. Here is one example how I know it's bad. I'm on myspace, of course, aren't we all, and I started to take self photos of me. Ya know getting my good side of my face, seeing how I smile, what looks good yadda yadda yadda, and some guy outta the blue had emailed me and said "Damn you are hottt!". D was right there when I read it, I dont care, I have nothing to hide there, and he said "oh really, email him back and say "F off"...I laughed because he actually got jealous. He actually did feel something, OMG. He showed a little emotion other than anger and frustration or stoic-ness. He never seems to lighten up or anything. He is just no fun. AND IF and WHENEVER he get even REMOTELY happy it's because he is looking for action, so ya then he gets a little giddy. But geesh I gotta put up with mr grumpy most of the time??? This sucks! Dude you're fired! As simon would say "ya know, if I'm just being honest.....YOU SUCK" God I'm tired. I mean give me some strength to tolerate him please!

here I go again..

I'm bursting again with a trillion thoughts running through my head about EVERYTHING underneathe the god made sun I tell you! Makes me grateful for sites like this. I'll start off with singing and my church chior.
I just joined not too long ago, and I LOVE IT! I feel so happy when I'm there and so comfortable I can't explain. I would go to church and feel like I didn't have a place. I felt not empty, but just not sure what I was supposed to do with myself there. I would always be happy during worship time of course! Singing and dancing and all that jazz! It's wonderful and makes me feel so free. I love singing and everything that surrounds singing. I have been singing (not professionaly in the least bit, my professionalism goes as far as my shower) since I was young. I remember being in elementary school and listening to Debbie Gibson and Tiffany and singing with them like there was no tomorrow. I sing for and about everything. If I'm happy I sing, if I'm mad, I sing, if I'm depresesd, I sing. I have sang before in my kitchen that has reduced me to tears. I just can't explain the feeling. Theres not too many people I can share this with. My mom especially. My mom was in chior in highschool. I think she really liked it. I'm not sure. Seemed like she did. But then again, my dad, who is a musician and sings also, in her words choose his career over his family. OH yea then there is the fact that he was caught in bed with a groupie by my mom. Yea that went over well like a fart in church. So I suppose that has put a sour taste in my moms mouth with singing. I had emailed her the other day and had mentioned that I was joining church choir. No reply back, now realize that her and I email eachother back and forth all day because we both work for the school district. So when I got no response I knew why. Then I emailed her about my first rehersal, and the same thing, no response, no comment, no nothing. Now of course I can talk to my real dad about this stuff all I want because after all he is in a band in Vegas. LOL But that's just it. He is in Vegas though. My hubby is excited that I finally joined though. He'll ask me how rehersal went and what I learned. I know I have support from him. Man how wonderful it would be to audition for American Idol. Hubby wants me to audition for it, especially that they keep bumpin up the age to older and older. I dont think I know enough yet about singing to do that. I want to learn more and educate myself better. hell I dont even know if I have the "it" factor or the "likeable" factor they talk about. For the time being I'm just excited I finally had enough nerve to go to church worship. It's great!

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Ok, being human sucks. having choices is hard, especially when 2 sides within the same vessel argue constantly. It's rough. To sit and to know the right thing but then the flesh wants something else. How do you deal. How do you deal with the pain of either way. Or patience to wait for the answer. I dont feel worthy most of the time because of my decision and mistakes. How can you love me either way. I just dont get it at all. I have messed up bad, and yet there you are with open arms. I just dont understand where that can come from. I try to learn the most that I can, but the sugar still is sweet. Why am I this way?! This is a cruel joke. I get so frustrated. I'm just messed up I guess.